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Thursday, December 8, 2011


I am rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. This is the brief story of one day when I was. . .

Elaine (name changed to protect the . . . um. . . well, her) worked in our IT department. She was in her late fifties. She had a round figure. By this I don't mean that she was fat, for although she was certainly overweight she was not fat. But she conveyed a sense of sphericity to an observer. I can't describe it. She just looked like a little ball. She was about 5'4" tall with an unruly mass of kinky, iron-grey curls on her head that vaguely resembled a brillo pad. She wore glasses and flannel shirts, and frequently sweated.  I know, we all sweat, but beads of perspiration seemed a fixture on her forehead (maybe all the flannel) . Her glasses slide down her nose when she was sweaty and she frequently had to push them back up to the bridge of her nose. When she spoke to you she repeatedly said "okay" while you talked to her, but you get the distinct impression that she was not really hearing what you were telling her because she said "okay" inappropriately, and too frequently.  I would find myself repeating things to her because she'd say "okay" in the middle of something I was explaining and I feared she missed my point in her eagerness to communicate the fact that she understood my point.  She had toadlike facial features.  If she were wearing an apron she would look grandmotherly.  She told stories and used the names of her friends and relatives without explanation or clarification even though you had no way of knowing who those people were.  She just assumed you knew what everyone who knew her knew.  She was completely harmless and very nice. She did an adequate job.

One day, Elaine came into my office (I was just remembering this recently) and asked me, "What's two in the pink, one in the stink mean?"

I gaped at her. I don't know that I've ever gaped at anyone before. I've heard about gaping, even read about it in books, but until that day, I don't recall actually ever ENGAGING in gaping.  My mouth opened and closed like a fish on dry land trying to breathe the air. I started speaking then stopped abruptly several times mid-word.  No intelligible language emerged for several seconds.  In the end I believe I stammered something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, I can't help you. I'm not even sure what to tell you to do. Why are you even asking me this?" 

Her reply was, in essence, that she had asked Dave (a friend of mine also from the IT department) and HIS response had been, "You need to go ask Jim, he'll tell you." 

Yes. . . THANK YOU, Dave.

I have rarely felt as uncomfortable professionally as I did when Elaine asked me to explain what a shocker was, but I know the idea of calmly telling her that it's when someone puts two fingers in a woman's vagina and drops a pinky in her anus was very very amusing in hindsight. At the time however, I could not have been caught more off guard.

Imagine your grandmother coming to you and asking you what a "Cleveland Steamer" is and maybe you get the picture.

Upon hearing that Dave had put her up to it though, my response was, "You need to go ask Chris, he'll tell you." And sent her on her way. 

Chris kicked her out of his office unceremoniously and ultimately she got the information from. . .  her boss.  I called Dave and congratulated him while cursing his name.  It was funny.


  1. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Dave. HIGH 5 DAVE!

    hahaaa I have a 14 year old that feels very comfortable asking me these kind of questions and honestly, I feel very comfortable ANSWERING (if I think she should/needs to know) because we all know the kid that's clueless becomes the target lol So yeah.. you can send "Elaine" my way lol

  2. ROFL!! OMG!! See. I told u I read ur stuff. And who said that to her in the first place?

  3. Even though stuff like this is regular conversation at holiday meals with my family (urban dictionary is frequently consulted), I would have DIED at work. However, being a woman, I would not have been as uncomfortable saying "vagina."

    This is the first post I've read of yours. I like it.

  4. @Rhonda - I think for me, it depends on the person. Regardless, I'd rather have a kid who was comfortable asking ME those sorts of questions, then looking elsewhere. At least I can control the information that way.

    @Jen - wait. . . I shorten everyones' names, but is it Jenn, or Jen? Anyway, yeah, i get what you meant. We didn't dig too deeply into it (no pun intended), so I'm not really sure what started the question.

    @Dana - Welcome aboard. I mostly write on my other blog, but this one is a bit more irreverent as it is LESS likely to be read by my family and RL friends.

  5. BWAHAHAHAH! This is hilarious.

  6. I see that this has now become an educational blog.

    Thanks, Teach!!

  7. @Mel - :)

    @TRM - raise your hand if you have any questions.

  8. @jacqui - most of all I just didn't want the mental image of her and her husband putting it into practice.

  9. Wait, you have TWO blogs? And we can curse on this one? Fuck, yeah! :p
    I've seen 'The Shocker' stickers on cars. It's a great douchebag identifier.And it just so happens that the only difference in sign language for "I love you" and "The Shocker" is the middle finger...coincidence? I think not.
    Kris (Letmepeeinpeace) :)

  10. Lord, Dave threw you under the bus BIG TIME.

  11. Kris - I DO have two blogs. This is more of a general non-autism blog. Here you'll find the stories of my past and ongoing stupidities, rants, and non autism related parenting blogs. But BOTH blogs allow cursing.

    Jillsmo - :)

    Lizbeth - yes he did. And I, in turn, threw Chris under the bus, but I felt unoriginal doing so, and respected Dave more as a result. That bastard.

  12. Baaaaaaaahahahahahaha

    Thank you for making my day.

  13. Hahhaha my friend and I once told two cougars in a bar bathroom what that meant. They taught us what a pearl necklace was.