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Friday, February 28, 2014

A Series of Letters to My Past Self

Someone posted something about how tired the whole idea of blogging "A letter to my 20 year-old self" has become.  I didn't understand at first, but the explanation was essentially that each one of them tells that younger strong, be confident, things work out, hang in there.  You can just cut the name and paste a new one and you essentially have every letter every written in blog form. 

She was right...Here are some letters I have written to my past selves from my current self, and the impact I think it would make on my life today.

A letter to my 20 year-old self from my 44 year-old self

Dear 20 year old Jim,

Hey...I know it's unlikely between the booze and having sex that you've taken much time to think about the consequences of your actions. And you know what? Fuck it! It totally works out in the end!

Also, you know how all those bleeding heart liberals you offend daily with your ultraconservative rants about fiscal responsibility and capital punishment and stuff? totally become one, you ass!!! HAHAHAHAHA! What a douche.

Anyway, one last thing. Don't worry about what a dick you are now. I know sometimes it crosses your mind...DON'T LET IT!! You're totally awesome in the future!!

Future Jim


A letter to my 19 year-old self from my 44 year-old self 

Dear 19 year old Jim, 

Okay, look, this is really really important.  Next year you're going to get a letter from me.  Burn that thing.  Burn it to ash.  Never open it.  It is filled with lies.  20 year old Jim reads it and completely fucks up our life.  I have more illegitimate children than you have friends.  My liver is shot.  I can't get a job because of my criminal record and we're living with mom and dad.  Don't meddle with time travel!

Future Jim
A letter to my 18 year-old self from my 44 year-old self 

Dear 18 year old Jim, 

I forgot what an insufferable know-it-all you were at 19.  Jesus.  Next year you're going to get a letter that you are totally going to blow off because you're all like..."Whatever man, 44 year old me went soft!"  And it totally messes up your life.  I think you're more receptive to listening to people at 18.  I can't remember when you went so stubborn and condescending...I think 19.  Anyway...Don't take anymore letters from future me.  They're bad news, man.  BAD.  NEWS.

Future Jim


A letter to my 12 year-old self from my 44 year-old self 

Hey buddy...I'm writing from the future.  Things...things are tough right now.  I want you to remember this letter.  Keep it with you always.  I want you to remember this because as someone in the future...I know what happens if you don't.  It's already happened here.

Here's what I need you to remember:
If you open any more letters addressed to you from your future self you will die instantly of Ebola.  In about ten more years you'll be able to look that up on the internet...nevermind what that is...look up Ebola in ten years, eye-bleeding and shitting yourself to death.  That all happens if you open even one more letter from future me. 

Oh, and remember Microsoft.  Buy Microsoft with your high school graduation money.  

Future Jim